MsDanaSomething

Ok so, I wrote this around this time last year.

This was written when I had just gotten back from LA last year. It’s personal and what not, but whatevs. I have ten years worth of ramblings like this and I’m working on making it into something. I guess this is a taste. =) Here it is:

I’m laying down, feeling tired as hell. I just watched a YouTube video talking about lists and bracelets. It sounds like the most boring thing ever-but its not.

Today is July 25th, but on July 24, 2010, YouTubers had the option of participating in a documentary called “Life in A Day”. Film yourself doing whatever in that space of 24 hours and submit it to the director in hopes that your footage would be a part of the film. I thought about doing this…but I didn’t. 

I’m such a lazy bastard. 

I wrote a screenplay that’s “done” but not edited. That takes FOREVER. I want to start fundraising but made a sign and just let it sit there. I wanted to do this “Life in a Day” thing and didn’t. I thought my life was too boring and miserable for anyone to find it entertaining or see any sort of point to my existence. 

I’ve been trying to have a different outlook lately though. I’m trying to continue how I felt in LA. Every day I woke up in that hotel room, I had a feeling the day was going to be awesome. I didn’t really know it, but I knew the possibility was there. I felt sure of myself every night before I slept that tomorrow was just gonna do something for me. By midday I would have a great story to tell, let alone midnight. And the unbelievable thing about this trip was-I was right. I was right every single day.

So here I am, a few weeks later, realizing that that doesn’t have to change. Just because I’m back in New York doesn’t mean my day can’t be magical. Or DO something for me. I don’t know what tomorrow can bring. I could wake up tomorrow hating everything, moaning as I drag my ass to the bus stop, and end up sitting next to James Franco. 

Who the fuck knows?

I complain about a lot of shit in my life. Ironically, I’m a very optimistic person.   Optimistic about people and life in general…not so much about what’s going to become of me. So what does this have to do with a video about lists and bracelets?

Well…I make lists. Too many goddamn lists. That are too goddamn long. Long lists are not good.If I have 30 things to accomplish and I manage to do 10 of them, I still feel like a bum. 20 things are still staring me in the face and then hang over my head when I lay down. This happens so often that every day seems like (and most likely is) the same list. So, up until recently, I would start the day feeling down on myself and unaccomplished because my list never got finished. I want to do SOOO many things that all I see is the end result, and tooootally disregard the small steps I need to take to get from where I am to where I want to be. (Best selling author, Oscar-winning screenwriter, London resident, Put-Together- Awesome- Girl) Do you see how maybe those goals are ridiculously daunting? Especially when I know I need a job and conveniently know at least 10 people that remind me of that daily?

Maybe it would be different if I told people I was using every day to find a cure for cancer, or designing the next space craft, or advancing scientific knowledge with every breathe I take. 

But a writer?

What a waste.

Has everyone forgotten Shakespeare? Arthur Miller? Louisa Mae Alcott? Virginia Wolff? Charles Dickens? Oh, and you know the Bible? Yeah, that was written too. And what about all the random ass people that write edition after edition of textbooks? You know, the ones almost every single person has learned about the world from? Back in ancient times, writers were part of the elite population. The ability to write formed and maintained society. It creates discourse. Fuels ideas. Advances us. And yet, presently, writers are looked at as if we are dreamers. Chasing the impossible, thinking that we could do anything with our skill.  

What a waste we are. 

I’ve decided that I’m not a waste. Since when is having the want to realize a dream some form of mental retardation? I actually think I could do this- I must be fucking stupid. I’m supposed to degrade myself and remind myself every waking moment what a long shot my dream is. Convince myself I shouldn’t try because I suck and then permanently place myself among the masses of people who have already proved to themselves that giving up was the “practical” option.

I didn’t know living a life of shit or mediocrity was practical.

To seemingly be one of the few who still care to go after what I want, making lists is hard. And to also be constantly reminded of my “odds” of making it is difficult. (Esp. with this lack of any sort of clue as to what step I should take next) So what should I do? 

1. Make short lists with small steps.

2. Wear a bracelet. 

I’ll wear a bracelet so that I don’t complain. (Aside from these rantings, maybe) Apparently, it takes 21 days to break a habit-including a bad cycle of thinking. So, to be more “self aware”, I’m going to start wearing a bracelet. When I complain, I’m supposed to put the bracelet on the opposite wrist and start the 3 weeks over again. Once I’m able to actually go 21 days without complaining, my negative or self deprecating thoughts should have subsided, leaving me with a new, positive outlook on my life. 

Writing accomplishable lists might also help me out. Maybe a list of 3 things that I can actually do, that at the end of the day, I can say that I’ve finished. It will also force me to break down my goals into small steps so that I’m not so overwhelmed. I can shake myself down and actually see what needs to be done. Maybe then I won’t feel like I only have 24 hours to write a book. And I won’t consider myself a waste.

Not even in the slightest.

And btw, I’m gonna start sharing my writing. I enjoy it, I feel like people can relate to it in some way, and its doing nothing just sitting on my computer. I hope you like it =)

X

I was awake until about 7 this morning because, basically, I got caught up in Tumblr. Really Dana? Yeah. I really scrolled through about 300 pages of Tumblr. Of people I didn’t know. But…why? Why does anyone do that?

I know I’m not the only one who’s done this in their lifetime. I know think hope. 

So I’ve come up with a list of theories as to why people do this. (Because I woke up fucking exhausted from looking at a digitalized picture book for 20 hours and I feel the need to justify my own insanity)

It’s fun. It’s fun for the first like 50-100 pages. After that, you’re kidding me.

Boredom Boredom BOREDOM. In which case, it’s okay to go past 100 pages. Or 1000.

Jealousy. Isn’t that what these social networking sites are for? No? For realz though: It’s become a competition. Not only are we putting ourselves out there but now it’s hard to feel good or interesting when you have 2 followers. And one of them is staff. And the other is Tumblrbot.

This is especially true when we put thought into our posts and no one ever comments. But then iJustine posts that she got the new iPad and people go apeshit. She gets to scroll through comments like:

OMGZ WILL YOU MARRY ME?

I wanna be your best friend! ^-^

and

Holy chezburgah! I’m a pirate turtle! Will you be a pirate turtle w/ me iJustine?!? Ahoy!

NOTE:  1. I made that up, but you know the kinda comments I’m talking about.

    2. WTF is the logic behind leaving a comment like that? I don’t understand. Is it funny? No. Is it annoying? Maybe. Is it weird? Fuck yes. It’s completely unrelated and, frankly, might make someone question not only your sense of humor but your sanity.

WTF is a pirate turtle and WHAT THE FUCK IS A PIRATE TURTLE.

But either way, people want to be the people that get the pirate turtle comments-because someone gave enough shit to write the words “pirate turtle” under a picture that shows the minutia of your (or mine) little life. (Even if I’m here with a furrowed brow wondering how you got Internet access from inside your padded cell)

So yeah. Jealousy. 

Loneliness. The Internet is a refuge for the lonely. You’re wife left you? Internet. You have no friends? Internet. Your dog died? Look at cute puppies on the Internet. Love pirate turtles but no one IRL understands you? INTERNET.

In my case, it’s because I move EVERYWHERE. I’ve moved like 7 times in the past 4 years. And I’m probably about to move again. To Florida or England. OR BOTH. So I come here, where friends are always in the same spot…the Internet.

The thing is though, I feel like because social networking sites are huge now, and because its the cool thing to have 50,000 following you, it’s hard to get a response from people, let alone become friends with them. I’m trying to preemptively get friends in England since I’ll be living there for a year+. But from the web, I’m thinking people just assume I’m an obese, ignorant attention whore American. (which, can I blame you? No.) There’s a lot of fat people here. There’s a lot of ignorant people here and there’s a lot of attention whores floating around. But…I’m not. I’m sure I’m ignorant of some things but that’s just a product of me being young, not being American. 

Anyway, so yeah. Loneliness.

Unfortunately, the Internet cannot cure jealousy or loneliness (most of the time) but I AM and YOU ARE still gonna be on here tonight so GO FIGURE.

Also, if you’re English, hi.

And if you’re American, hi.

And if you’re anyone, just…hi. I hope to see more of you! =)

Current song: Ellie Goulding ‘Starry Eyed’

 

Yes, this entire post is about wind. Deal.

One of the best feelings ever is sticking my head out the window of a car going 80mph. It’s also the reason why I’ll be deaf by 40 because I need to blast my headphones to combat the sound of the wind-which usually means I get home with dreadlocks and bleeding ears.

COMPLETELY WORTH IT.

The best time to do this is at night with a clear sky, or at twilight when the sky is crawling through shades of purple. Nothing like moments completely consumed by wind to really understand and think about why I’m going after what I am. Do people do this on a regular basis? Because everyone should. And for the record, wind is my favorite thing. CAN YOU TELL.

It’s a gateway for me. It calms my mind, but also takes me out of it at the same time. WTF are you talking about, stoner? 

1. I’m not-and

2. The best thing I can compare this to is water. Going underwater erases everything. No sound. No weight. No focus other than the amount of air in my lungs. When wind is that strong, it’s all you hear. And it’s all you feel.

My mind can do a lot with all of that space. The funny thing is, a void like that always tells me what I already know. I’m here to write.

What does it tell you?

ALSO SIDE NOTE HERE LOOK HERE NOW PLEASE THANKS..hi =) AND if you want a complete list of what it tells me-I’ll list them in a post later this week!